Unconditional Love

I realize what I miss from my parents and why I gravitate towards Chuck's family...unconditional love.  A love that has no boundaries, no strings, no extra commitments.  I want parents to ask my about my life, to care about the bad things that happen to me as well as the good.  I want them to not say they don't ask because they are not prying into my life.  They should care enough to PRY, to be NOSY.

My parents just ask me about the weather, my job and then they tell me about the same...I don't understand, how is that enough of a relationship with your child?  I see Chuck's parents and we talk about everything, all the time, they ask what has been going on and what has been happening.  They are there through the bad as well as the good and they care about each other no matter what has happened in the past, they really, REALLY just want their children to be happy.  They understand that happiness comes with obstacles and trials and bad times, that it doesn't just happen because they wish it to...

Why can I not have that with my parents.  Why can I not expect that from my parents?  Why is that too much to ask?

I have decided I will meet with them but they will have to talk first, I will not be the one to bare my heart first this time, it did me no good the last time.  Now I just have to figure out where to meet them...

Parents

I have not spoken to my parents in almost 2 years.  They were upset with me about finding out about my engagement from someone else, before I could tell them.  They feel that I threw them away for my in-laws.  I do not understand this.  I saw them when my brother flew back to Alaska and I told them I thought we should sit down and talk.  I was told that if any relationship was to renew I was going to have to get through my father.  It didn't matter what my mother said, that he had the final say.  Now I don't know if I even want to try to talk to them.  I haven't slept hardly and I have a migraine since I spoke to them yesterday.  My brother says that there is hurt on both sides and I believe that, but I do not believe they are willing to compromise or even be willing to change just a little to accommodate the way that I am now, instead of just thinking of me as a child still.  I need to think of a neutral place to meet with them so that if there is yelling we don't disturb anyone as well as be a place where we can comfortably talk, where this place could be I am not sure and am open to suggestions.  I really just don't know what to do.

I know that I don't want to become a neurotic mess, like I feel right now.  But I don't want the next time I see them to be at one of there funerals.  I think I will give it one more try and then if they are unwilling I will not talk to them anymore.  It will be a mutual decision.

Unemployment

Not quite sure what to do with myself.  I am unemployed for an entire 6 days now.  I want a job.  I was not made to be a house wife.  Yet I seem to be busier now than I was when I worked from 8-5.  Today is the first day I am taking a day for myself.  I am pooped.  I did go to my niece's play this morning and had a lot of fun watching her dance.  I have been thinking about starting a family as well as my unemployed status.  Both scare me and I don't know what to do about it.  I hope to get a job by the end of next week.

The baby thing I think is going to scare me for the rest of my life.  I will have that responsibility forever and I am not sure how I feel about that.  My parents seem to have relinquished their parenting responsibility for me because I have not spoken to them in a year.  They missed my wedding, Christmas, etc.

Am I brave enough?  I watch my sister in law and see how well she does and I can only hope to be 1/2 so well at it.  Maybe courage come while you are pregnant, when you have those silent conversations with your belly.  OK, that thought made me smile.  Maybe the want is enough to make you brave.  I hope so, Chuck and I want it so bad.  I hope my body wants it just as bad because it is definitely the wild card in this proposition.

Fingers crossed.  Four more weeks and we will begin trying.

No Work

I have been unemployed for 1 whole day - when am I supposed to freak out?  When am I supposed to worry about the bills, they are all paid for this time frame...I am hopeful I got the job I interviewed for today but am anxious because they have not called me back yet.  I mean I interviewed this morning!  Is that unreasonable?

I did get some great news, my friend in France had a new baby.  I haven't spoken to her in so long because of all the chaos with the wedding, etc. Her new little boy was born on the last day of the year.  I am so happy for her, it is making me more excited about possibly getting pregnant.  I have at least 1 more month before I can be off my meds and then we begin trying.  I think I am ready.  Just when I think that though something happens I get spooked again.  I wish I was the rock that Chuck is.  He is so confident when it comes to being a father.  I just know what happened to me when I was growing up and would like to avoid doing that to some small person if at all possible.  I think my new family will help me to stay on track though.  I know if I act like my mother at all Chuck is likely to smack me.  And for good reason.

Well head up for today, I don't want to be discouraged about anything.  Going to think positive and do some laundry.

Work

Have not tried to write in a while, been sick and busy at work.  Tax season is always fun.  Was written up for wearing jeans on a NON-Friday and then refused to sign the write up.  Was written up again for not signing - insubordination with warning of termination.  2 days later - terminated.  Just waiting for it to happen.  Boss is a piece of work.  Told me over phone I was fired.  Professional.  I lucked out and got and interview the next day, and I have a second interview at the same place on Monday - fingers crossed.  Not been without a job since 1996.  Kind of scary feeling.  Luckily all the bills are paid and I will receive another check - however small it will be.  Fingers crossed for the new job - for a mid-sized firm who is willing to give me a chance at a position one level above where I have been.  Hopefully this means more money, some challenges and no more slow and boring...everyday.  I can also interact with clients and am required to go to their office to help put in place systems to help the firm as well as the client and decide what the client needs.  Sounds interesting.  Hope, hope, hope.

Work

Chuck is working late as usual, he thinks he will be later than usual because they bring the product to him right before 5 when he wants to come home and be with me.  He also has to rush around and get to UPS before 7 because they smartened up and changed their hours.  Then he has to go back to work and finish FedEx.  Nothing seems to be going right with work.  He is unhappy with his job and I am unhappy with mine.  I am looking, he said he was looking but he is doing it at work when he has all day to do nothing before 5.  He forgets to go back to the websites when he gets home.

I don't know how many jobs I have applied for online but I sent out 30 paper resumes a couple of weeks ago and have not heard a word back.  I was hoping that I would get a job and give my notice, then start my new job after the honeymoon.  Still the blind idealist I was when I graduated with a French degree and just knew someone had to hire me, I was of course, ME.

Anyway, if we find new jobs or not we are happy when we are together and despite my wanting to quite and play for the small time our money would last he is always responsible and telling me we have to go to work.  He even gets up on time to be at work on time.  I make it before I would get in trouble for being late.

The life of a Princess is good.  Busy, I must now make butterflies for the reception while doing laundry.  But I am happy and still cannot wait for the big day.

NOW 11 DAYS AWAY!

Marriage

Getting married in 2 weeks, SO EXCITED!  Will have to post pictures when get them.  I was married for quite a few years to my high school sweetheart.  That went down in flames when he became a sneaking alcoholic.  Charles is nothing like that.  I would thank god if I went that road but I would rather think that fate had something to do with it.  He was in my first wedding after all.  I met him in college, actually while I was still in high school and dating my future ex husband.  I never thought I would be divorced let alone married d again.  I have been with Chuck 3 years and it has been the best time of my life.  That is SO cliche but it is true.  I cannot remember ever having so much fun or laughing as much as I do now.  I am head over heels and I love it.  It is the best feeling a person could have and I hope everyone can be in a relationship this good at least once in their lifetime.  It is a true gift.