I have not spoken to my parents in almost 2 years. They were upset with me about finding out about my engagement from someone else, before I could tell them. They feel that I threw them away for my in-laws. I do not understand this. I saw them when my brother flew back to Alaska and I told them I thought we should sit down and talk. I was told that if any relationship was to renew I was going to have to get through my father. It didn't matter what my mother said, that he had the final say. Now I don't know if I even want to try to talk to them. I haven't slept hardly and I have a migraine since I spoke to them yesterday. My brother says that there is hurt on both sides and I believe that, but I do not believe they are willing to compromise or even be willing to change just a little to accommodate the way that I am now, instead of just thinking of me as a child still. I need to think of a neutral place to meet with them so that if there is yelling we don't disturb anyone as well as be a place where we can comfortably talk, where this place could be I am not sure and am open to suggestions. I really just don't know what to do.
I know that I don't want to become a neurotic mess, like I feel right now. But I don't want the next time I see them to be at one of there funerals. I think I will give it one more try and then if they are unwilling I will not talk to them anymore. It will be a mutual decision.
My wife and I gave up on letting the people we used to call parents play any part of our (or our son's) lives. And we have been all the healthier because of it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the circumstances were different between why I had problems with my ex-parents and why she did, the overall problem in both situations was that none of them wanted to change or accept the flaws of the past and move forward in a healthy way so that we could continue familial relations. The ex-parents in both situations would rather keep skeletons in the closet and try and force us to believe that their way of thinking was more savvy because they were the parents.
The important part was that we both gave them multiple chances to stay an active part of our lives and break the unhealthy relationships built upon an unhealthy history by changing. Their refusal was their choice, but we needed to break the unhealthy chain of events to move on with our lives.
This, of course, also led to breaking up with certain other family (two brothers and their families from my side) who just couldn't understand why we wouldn't bend and live with the pain and anger our ex-parents wanted to carry. Again, this was their choice.
Your circumstances are seemingly different. But, I believe that family (even moms and dads) only deserve those titles if they can show the love for you by accepting that change is needed. You are the future, not them. It's your life, not theirs.
Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (great name by the way considering the topic!). I think you will find (as I did) that you are not alone when it comes to breaking up with toxic people.